SAN FRANCISCO: Elon Musk has fired underperforming employees just hours after officially taking over Twitter. Musk unexpectedly fired 3,200 Twitter team workers and replaced them with Amar after evaluating individual employee productivity stats.
“Amar is a hardworking Indian immigrant who can easily accomplish the work of 3,200 Silicon Valley millennials,” Musk explained. “After removing all of the pauses for meditation, wine-on-tap, matcha drinking, shuffleboard, and corn-hole, we discovered that these employees could all be replaced by Amar, who will outperform all 3,200 of these employees by at least 9%.”
Amar’s CV includes a constant streak of success at multiple contact centers in Mumbai, and he has already outworked 2,973 of the employees in weekly productivity since his start date on Monday. According to sources, he works 18 hours a day, sleeps at the office, and bathes in the bathroom sink, all of which he claims are significantly better working conditions than where he came from.
At the time of publication, all Twitter employees had claimed that they had all gotten positions with the DNC in Washington, D.C.
Earlier, Elon Musk has stated that he intends to cut Twitter’s staff to 280 characters or less.
The new owner of the ubiquitous social network announced the 280-character limit was necessary because a modern public square bloated with too many characters would stifle free expression and muddy free and fair discussions of all types, which he believes is crucial to society.
“I had hoped to reduce the number of characters to 140,” Musk remarked as he handed out pink papers to a long line of Twitter staffers sobbing into their vegan oat sprout teas. “In the end, I felt that 140 would have been plenty a few years ago, but 280 is what Twitter needs today.”
Critics of the decision stated that Musk, the founder of Tesla and SpaceX, went too far by eliminating all of those extra characters who undoubtedly played essential roles at Twitter and were not a waste of space, time, or money. Musk then mercilessly silenced the critics by sharing a meme showing his head on Donald Trump with the words “you’re fired.”